manipulative | deerington contact.

( he doesn't know if it'll work, honestly. he's been like this for over a century now and the only thing that he's found that sort of works is absolute control and absolute distance from blood.

but even that hasn't completely worked. her way sounds simple enough but he wonders if it'll be enough for him to resist taking those steps that send him down.

he swallows. )

I don't want to lose you. ( that much is true. he's just not sure if he's being realistic about that when there's someone else there. maybe he's not on her mind right now but he's there all the same. )

[ that feels a lot heavier than it should be. katherine knows offering herself up had cornered him to either not say he doesn't think their friendship is strong enough to ground him or... what he ends up saying. it's still startling.

her voice is far quieter than she'd like it to be: ] You were able to stop just a little while ago. [ she hadn't so much as shrugged him off. all she'd done was remind him he could kill her or he could enjoy her, and he chose the latter. that had been stefan's choice, not her dictating it for him. she lets her gaze travel down to his throat. ] I think remembering there's a limit before you start to truly hurt someone might help you. You're not someone who hurts people intentionally, Stef.

But I do it anyway.

( it's self defeating, he knows, and he shakes his head apologetically. it's not something he means to voice even if he does think that. but he doesn't want her to have to prop him up right now. he has something else he wants to tell her. )

I've been talking about it to someone. The blood thing. Not Elena, not anyone from Mystic Falls. She was on the network about addiction issues and I...I don't know, maybe it was stupid but I responded.

( it was probably stupid. )

[ her brows furrow together and she lets out a breath. ] It's not stupid.

[ how can he think it's stupid? while she does wonder how someone who doesn't understand the lure of blood to a vampire could even begin helping, she thinks it's a good idea. it's different. bloodlust is like alcoholism... maybe that untapped human resource is the way stefan can change his repetitive behaviour.

she shifts on the bed, reaching up to grab a pillow to rest beneath her chest. she wants to get comfortable and ensure that he has her full attention. something tells her that him confessing to such a thing is harder than he makes it look.

she props herself up on her elbows to look down at him. ] How did you feel talking to that person?

Uncertain.

( he'd made the decision to not dress up what he was struggling with and trust that kady would be able to handle it or, if she couldn't, that she'd let him leave and keep his secret without exposing him to everyone. )

I don't think she expected me to say what I did but she didn't turn me away either. And asked me questions about it, about the differences between how I get blood and what it makes me feel like either way.

( he shrugs. ) It was a good conversation. She wants me to check in with her every few days.

That's good.

[ katherine can't help her smile. she remembers feeling like this when pearl had managed to score herself the apothecary shop in 1864. proud, happy... a little unsure herself.

considering what she knows of stefan, she suspects that this is a very new thing for him to do. maybe it's what'll breakthrough and let him control his bloodlust... or maybe it'll benefit him in the long run with something else entirely. he seems unsure of it, and she figures that maybe it's her job to not let him think she's uncertain about it when she's curious. ]

Are you going to check-in?

I figure it can't hurt. She has some suggestions on things she wants to try but she had to talk to a few people.

( he hadn't really asked too much because he hadn't wanted to get his hopes up. he knew plenty of witches who hadn't really been able to help in mystic falls so he's trying to temper his expectations. )

I don't really know how it works or what to do. But, it's something I haven't tried yet.

[ she wants to ask what she's going to go and ask other people about, and who those people are... but she has to trust. if katherine doesn't trust his new sponsor, then she's sure it'll have a ripple effect where he starts distrusting his new friend. and katherine doesn't want that. this is the first thing stefan's taken and done for himself. ]

You shouldn't knock it until you've tried it for at least a few months.

[ look at her, acting like she's the paragon of healthy habits and behaviours. but she has a feeling he'll want to give up and bow out the moment he's told he's slipped or it's not working. stefan is so hard on himself to the point where she wonders when he'll let go of the whip he flogs himself with. ]

You should remember it'll work for you. You may just have to change it around to suit Stefan.

I'm going to try it. ( because he doesn't have a lot to lose. if he tries it and it doesn't work, he hasn't lost anything. and if he tries it and it does work, then...well, he'll cross that bridge when it happens. )

I'm just trying not to get my hopes up.

( he's tried so many things to help fix this or ease this or make it go away and nothing's really worked. so, he's hopeful but cautiously so. )

But I'm going to try.

That's all you can do, Stef.

[ pick yourself up and try again. katherine may come off like everything she does is perfect the first go round, but she had to try and try and try to get the things she wanted. she may posture she always gets what she wants, but it's through her trying that she gets it.

stefan could be an unstoppable force if he lets himself do this.

she smiles warmly at him. ] I think Lexi would be very proud.

Let's see what happens before we start congratulating me. It's one thing.

( and it's probably something he should have done awhile ago, if he was honest. maybe not here but he could have probably sought out other methods of controlling this thing before.

he just hadn't.

he sighs and shrugs one shoulder. )

I'll let you know how it goes though. I don't really know how to do this so I'm just kind of playing it by ear.

[ he's such a pessimist. doesn't he see how big of a step that is? if she can, then surely anyone would think it's right to congratulate him on actually doing something. she understands that he's humble and doesn't think anything he does is really worth a commendation, but that's why she's here. ]

Hmm. [ katherine scrunches up her face, pressing her lips into a thin line as she considers his recommendation they don't congratulate him. she shakes her head, ] Nah.

[ she reaches over to poke him in the shoulder so he can stop shrugging this off.

playfully, she declares, ] I'm older than you and therefore wiser, so if I say we should congratulate you on taking a step, then we are. Deal with it.

And what if I don't deal with it? You're older but that doesn't always mean wiser.

( he's not protesting all that seriously but he is trying to keep expectations low about this because he knows who he is and how easy it is for him to sleep.

but, despite that, he does like that she seems to be pleased. he didn't do it for that but it's a nice benefit nonetheless. )

You're trying. That counts for something, Stefan.

[ it's true. with every one of her failures, she picked herself up and tried again until she succeeded. she's a woman who's survived five centuries of drastic culture changes, a skill that she didn't pick up overnight. so, she's older, wiser, and far more experienced in consistently staying positive when all she'd wanted to do in the face of epic failure was be negative and give up.

with a purse of her lips, she shrugs a shoulder, ] If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. You pick yourself back up and try again until you figure it out.

Yeah.

( he sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. he knows she's right and he's trying to keep an open mind. he blows out a breath and then peers down at her. he's quiet for a few moments before reaching down and brushing some of her hair off her forehead. )

I'll let you know how it goes. ( if there was one person he would keep abreast of everything that happened, it was her. ) I promise.

[ although this is very much her new normal, every time stefan reaches out to touch her, she finds herself taken aback. he treats her like she's a friend, and while that's what she wanted, it's still so strange to be considered one of his confidantes with no strings attached.

she smiles, pleased. ] Good.

[ resting her head against the sheets, she regards him with a very warm close-lipped smile. she lets herself enjoy the fact that she's naked with stefan on his bed and he's sharing something very personal with her. ]

I would love to hear about it. [ her smile stretches into something playful to match her tone, ] And I will take great pleasure in telling you I told you so.

Shut up.

( he says it lightly before giving a strange of her hair a little tug. he shakes his head, dropping his hand back to the bed and sighing. his gaze turns up to the ceiling while he breathes, feeling himself relax a little now that he's told someone. )

There's nothing else to tell right now. Just that. That's all I've done so far.

( but he's glad he told her. )

[ he's so cute. that's what she thinks when he tugs on her hair and acts all sheepish over what she's said. he's cute. ]

It's a step. Better than no steps.

[ it doesn't matter if he's done just that. it's a good just that to do. it's one that she hadn't expected of him, but she's glad he did it. it's not a surprise to her that he's capable of doing that; she'd known it all along.

on an exhale: ] Since we're being open and honest about things… [ now it's her turn to appear sheepish. she looks over his shoulder for a moment. ] I've filled up about ten pages of my diary. [ looking up at him, she does her best to play it off. ] I still think it's stupid.

[ she doesn't. she's not entirely converted yet, but it's something to do. ]

Really?

( he hadn't really asked about the diary since he'd given her to her. he'd just assumed that she'd put it somewhere and hadn't done anything with it but here she was, telling him that she'd actually been using it a lot.

he's surprised. )

Written anything interesting?

[ she's glad he's surprised. it means that he had expected her not to use it, just like she expected she wouldn't use it. she's surprised even herself that she wrote the first entry and has been sporadically keeping up with it. ]

My shopping list. Which I forgot to take with me when I did my shopping because who writes that in their diary?

[ and a few entries about one stefan salvatore, most of them now borderline erotic. he doesn't need to know that. ]

Well, I'm glad you're using it even if a shopping list isn't exactly what a journal's supposed to be for.

( but she's using it and that's something especially for katherine pierce. )

I usually keep those in my phone. Is that all you've written in there?

[ katherine hums, as if she needs a moment to rattle her memory to find what else she's written in her diary. really, she just wants a moment to come up with an answer that doesn't involve saying she's written about him, just in case he asks. ]

No.

[ her tone's light. she looks down at the bedsheet between them then at him, not wanting him to read in her body language that she's avoiding answering his question. what she wants him to read if that she's aloof and using her journal for non-journal purposes. ] I wrote a few times about people, but then I got bored. My hand hurts whenever I use a pen for more than a minute.

( stefan absolutely wants to know if she's written about him but he doesn't think he can outright ask. he waits to see if she'll elaborate and when he doesn't, he smiles. )

Well, I'm glad you're using it. I wasn't sure if you would.

( and even if it's shopping lists and other mundane entries, he's just glad that she's allowing herself to be open minded enough to use it. )

[ she lets out an amused breath. ] I wasn't sure, either. [ that's complete honesty. when he had given her that diary, she had no intention of using it at all. ]

I was going to use it as a doorstop, but I have so many doors, so... I figured I'd try it so I could tell you with evidence it didn't work.

[ and he had bought it specifically for her. maybe it had been a diary he had as a spare for himself, but the fact that he actually brought her one when they'd briefly discussed how she bottles everything up… what kind of person would she be if she was to not at least appreciate his gesture? he tried, it counts for something. ]

Even if it doesn't work for you, it still works for me. I like getting my thoughts out on paper.

( sometimes there were things that he couldn't tell people but at least getting those thoughts out of his head and onto paper meant they weren't weighing on him so heavily. it helped, at least a little bit. )

But I'm at least glad you gave it a try. ( he smiles. ) Thank you.

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