[ is he saying all of this because she's his dating partner? she thinks so. she hopes he ends up saying a lot more because of this shift in their relationship.
lying on her side, katherine reaches for his arm so she can bring his hand up to her neck. while she fully expects him to freak out and possibly recoil, she ensures to place her palm over the back of his hand. ]
( the stiffness from before returns quickly and he tries to yank his hand away, feeling the guilt seep back into his skin. she has a grip on him, though, and all he can do is look away. )
Please.
( she's calmed him down but he can't forget what he'd done. )
[ although she does briefly wonder if she's upsetting the very delicate balance she's created in the faux safe, katherine knows she has to do this. he won't touch her neck again if she doesn't at least try to show that while there are bruises there, he can't hurt her. ]
You're touching my neck very gently, Stefan. You're not hurting me.
[ she keeps her hand flat against his and ensuring her breathing stays even. he's not hurting her, and she wants him to understand that. ]
But that doesn't mean I won't ever hurt you again. I've already done it once.
( what if the next time he panic, he wakes up and hits her? or tries to suffocate her? it's so hard to think of that and still allow himself to be here.
his fingers flex a bit against her neck but he tries to not yank his hand away. )
And I've hurt you how many times and you still let me touch you?
[ stabbing him is a little more violent than a mere choking, in her opinion. yet again, katherine also believes anything she does is ten times worse. ]
If you can't trust yourself to hurt me, then this dating thing isn't going to work.
( that stops any argument at least temporarily. he still doesn't want to be touching her neck so soon after what he's done but he doesn't have the words to really combat what she's just said. )
We weren't dating when you hurt me.
( it's the only thing he can think of to say. he just hates thinking back to his hands around her neck and her desperately trying to shake him loose. )
[ it's a quick and heavy response. she doesn't know if she'd count their relationship in 1864 as "dating", but they had been together in the same way they are now. he's simply a vampire and she's a little more guarded and meaner. ]
I hurt you when we were together.
[ literally, too. it's not something katherine wants to draw light to, but she isn't interested in having him crucify himself over something she has done, too. ]
she has a counter for almost anything he can throw at her. he may have been naive and innocent—most certainly not dumb—but she had taken advantage of that, even if she had been foolishly into him. she knows what she did. he knows what she did. he's said it to her a thousand times.
she has an idea of what's changed.
calmly, ] What makes it any different? What doesn't make it any worse?
[ she remembers how she had bitten him in bed. she remembers how she had compelled him to accept her for who she was. he had been defenceless in the exact way she had been while sleeping—except she knew what she was doing.
she fully expects him to continue arguing with her. ]
You have PTSD, Stefan. Stop berating yourself for having a natural reaction to fight.
[ she can't help but sigh. lifting her head up from the pillow, she digs her elbow into the bed and rests her cheek in the palm of her hand so she can look down at him. ]
( is it even worth saying? he wants to keep her safe but obviously he's not going about it right. is there a right way when it comes to something like this? )
Avoiding it clearly hasn't helped you and it's not going to if you keep trying to run from it.
[ ironic coming from her, she knows. but her mistakes and bad habits make her the best teacher. if he keeps running from his problems, it's simply going to keep chasing him. ]
It's going to happen again if you don't deal with it.
( her putting his hand on her neck isn't going to make it suddenly okay. it's going to make him focus on it and he's not going to be able to stop thinking about it. )
I don't have time to deal with it either. Not here when there's so many other things to contend with.
[ that sounds like an excuse, and one shes's certain his friends would accept if they bothered to ask him if he was okay at all. but it's not one she likes at all. yes, they have things to contend with, but considering the downtime they've had and they make happen? he can deal with it. ]
Then you make time, or else you risk hurting someone else and not being able to come back from it. That's not something I want for you, Stefan.
[ katherine reaches her other hand out to brush her fingertips gently against his face. she glides them down the slope of his nose and bops the tip. ]
I think acknowledging you want to learn how to manage it is probably the first step. Then you trial and error your way to finding a way of moving forward.
[ if someone asked her if she followed all the advice she wisely bestowed, her answer wouldn't be the truth. but she does know her chosen method of dealing with everything hasn't worked at all. she doesn't want to let stefan follow in her footsteps and run. ]
There's no right or wrong in how you do this, Stefan. It's only wrong if you choose not to do anything at all.
[ yes, he's turned it off; yes, he does have a history of turning it off; and yes, he is a ripper. she understands it's probably a little harder for him, given he's uncontrollable if he drinks from the vein. but he's doing far better than most vampires. ]
It's not going to be fixed overnight, but it's not going to get better if you ignore it. [ she laughs lightly, ] I kind of like sleeping in this bed.
[ she doesn't particularly want the solution to be her sleeping in another room because he's too frightened. ]
Then, if I do that again, you're going to have to...do more than just calling my name. If you have to use your strength to push me away or wake me up, do it.
( because she'd made him wait for too long this time and he'd hurt her. )
[ she no longer holds his hand to her neck. watching him for a moment, she can only hope that this provides him some comfort and a safety blanket if it ever happened again. if pushing him away means she saves him from his own guilt, then she'll make herself do it. ]
Do you want me to sleep elsewhere tonight?
[ because she will. she imagines waking up to experiencing an episode and then acknowledging he needs to deal with it is overwhelming. her sticking around might make it worse. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
manipulative) wrote2019-12-08 11:16 am
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lying on her side, katherine reaches for his arm so she can bring his hand up to her neck. while she fully expects him to freak out and possibly recoil, she ensures to place her palm over the back of his hand. ]
And you're very good at taking care of me.
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( the stiffness from before returns quickly and he tries to yank his hand away, feeling the guilt seep back into his skin. she has a grip on him, though, and all he can do is look away. )
Please.
( she's calmed him down but he can't forget what he'd done. )
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You're touching my neck very gently, Stefan. You're not hurting me.
[ she keeps her hand flat against his and ensuring her breathing stays even. he's not hurting her, and she wants him to understand that. ]
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( what if the next time he panic, he wakes up and hits her? or tries to suffocate her? it's so hard to think of that and still allow himself to be here.
his fingers flex a bit against her neck but he tries to not yank his hand away. )
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[ stabbing him is a little more violent than a mere choking, in her opinion. yet again, katherine also believes anything she does is ten times worse. ]
If you can't trust yourself to hurt me, then this dating thing isn't going to work.
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We weren't dating when you hurt me.
( it's the only thing he can think of to say. he just hates thinking back to his hands around her neck and her desperately trying to shake him loose. )
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[ it's a quick and heavy response. she doesn't know if she'd count their relationship in 1864 as "dating", but they had been together in the same way they are now. he's simply a vampire and she's a little more guarded and meaner. ]
I hurt you when we were together.
[ literally, too. it's not something katherine wants to draw light to, but she isn't interested in having him crucify himself over something she has done, too. ]
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( wasn't it? kind of? he doesn't know. he sighs and closes his eyes, fingers still flexing against her neck. )
I was dumb and naive. I didn't know any better.
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[ something she still believes she is.
she has a counter for almost anything he can throw at her. he may have been naive and innocent—most certainly not dumb—but she had taken advantage of that, even if she had been foolishly into him. she knows what she did. he knows what she did. he's said it to her a thousand times.
she has an idea of what's changed.
calmly, ] What makes it any different? What doesn't make it any worse?
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( they'd been together in 1864 in a way but it wasn't like this. this was completely different. )
You were completely defenseless and you don't expect that to happen when you're sleeping. You don't expect me to do that.
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[ she remembers how she had bitten him in bed. she remembers how she had compelled him to accept her for who she was. he had been defenceless in the exact way she had been while sleeping—except she knew what she was doing.
she fully expects him to continue arguing with her. ]
You have PTSD, Stefan. Stop berating yourself for having a natural reaction to fight.
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I just don't want to hurt you, Katherine, because of this...whatever it is. I don't want to hurt you. I don't think that's such a bad thing.
( he fully expects her to argue right back that it wasn't his fault. )
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It's not a bad thing. But you're pushing me away.
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( is it even worth saying? he wants to keep her safe but obviously he's not going about it right. is there a right way when it comes to something like this? )
I just thought it would help.
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[ ironic coming from her, she knows. but her mistakes and bad habits make her the best teacher. if he keeps running from his problems, it's simply going to keep chasing him. ]
It's going to happen again if you don't deal with it.
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( her putting his hand on her neck isn't going to make it suddenly okay. it's going to make him focus on it and he's not going to be able to stop thinking about it. )
I don't have time to deal with it either. Not here when there's so many other things to contend with.
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Then you make time, or else you risk hurting someone else and not being able to come back from it. That's not something I want for you, Stefan.
[ he already bears so much. ]
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( he starts to say something obstinate, something stubborn and argumentative but that dies off pretty quickly and he sighs. )
I don't know what to do.
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I think acknowledging you want to learn how to manage it is probably the first step. Then you trial and error your way to finding a way of moving forward.
[ if someone asked her if she followed all the advice she wisely bestowed, her answer wouldn't be the truth. but she does know her chosen method of dealing with everything hasn't worked at all. she doesn't want to let stefan follow in her footsteps and run. ]
There's no right or wrong in how you do this, Stefan. It's only wrong if you choose not to do anything at all.
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( why do people like him with these stupid issues hanging off him? )
I'm barely doing well with that.
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[ yes, he's turned it off; yes, he does have a history of turning it off; and yes, he is a ripper. she understands it's probably a little harder for him, given he's uncontrollable if he drinks from the vein. but he's doing far better than most vampires. ]
It's not going to be fixed overnight, but it's not going to get better if you ignore it. [ she laughs lightly, ] I kind of like sleeping in this bed.
[ she doesn't particularly want the solution to be her sleeping in another room because he's too frightened. ]
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( because she'd made him wait for too long this time and he'd hurt her. )
You can't let me do that again. Please.
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but there's no point in arguing with him. ]
I promise.
[ she ensures to say it as convincingly as possible. it's going to be a hard one for her to keep. ]
I will push you away a lot harder.
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( that's a slight relief. she might not want to hurt him but he'd prefer he get tossed into a wall if it means no putting bruises on her neck again. )
Thank you.
( it would be nice if it didn't come to that but he doesn't know what will happen these days. )
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Do you want me to sleep elsewhere tonight?
[ because she will. she imagines waking up to experiencing an episode and then acknowledging he needs to deal with it is overwhelming. her sticking around might make it worse. ]
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