manipulative | deerington contact.

But I don't know if it can be Damon because thinking he was gone was what —

( well, it's what sent him right into that spiral in the first place. could a person be both the trigger into and out of it? he doesn't know if he wants to take that chance. )

Nadia's a good trigger. I think she could keep you grounded no matter what. ( he just...doesn't have a nadia. he has people he cares about, people he loves but he doesn't have a solidifying force like she has. )

[ this is the first time katherine's ever admitted to anyone just how much she carries nadia with her. it doesn't surprise her that he's kind about it. she confesses it because she knows it's safe for her to do so with him.

she keeps her gaze lowered and shrugs to downplay it. ] I kept thinking every time I wanted to just dig in and lose control, I couldn't. Because if I did, I'd risk not being able to be in the headspace I needed to be in to see her again. [ she looks at him and lowers her gaze to rest on his neck. ] It didn't matter to me that it was 300 years later and she would... be dead.

[ even though nadia is most certainly six feet under, katherine always stupidly held onto the hope of seeing her again. deerington fulfilled that hope, even though it's not in the way she had wanted it to be.

she lets her gaze lift to his face again. pursing her lips thoughtfully, she shrugs a shoulder, ] It doesn't have to be Damon. It could be a group of people. Do you want to lose so much control that you miss out on living?

( god, he desperately wants to tell her about nadia. he wants to tell her that she will see her again, that nadia does come back and while things don't end well, it does give her a second chance.

but he knows he can't. he knows he can't do that to her because it will consume her and if he tells her that, it could cascade into other things and he can't do that to her either. )

No, of course not. I just don't know if I have something as solid as Nadia.

( everyone of his close friends and family feels shaky. ) There are some people I can't use, not right now and I just...I don't know.

What you choose now doesn't have to be the thing you use to help ground yourself for the rest of eternity, Stefan. [ nadia's simply been the person she's carried with her for over five centuries because she cares for no one else as passionately as she does her daughter. katherine's lucky to have had that type of connection in her life. she would've been far worse off without it.

inhaling deeply, katherine shifts on the bed as she thinks aloud. ] Maybe it's not Damon. Maybe it's for yourself. You don't want to feel like you did before when you lost control, so you remember that you're better than that. And if that's too much, maybe you do it for someone else for a little while... [ she hesitates for a moment. ] like me. You don't want to lose me, so you remember that. It's just meant to remind you that there's ground beneath your feet when you start getting swept up in the blood.

[ elena had been the name on the tip of her tongue, but given how their conversation had gone post-lexi... katherine doesn't particularly want to bring up her doppelgänger's name unless it's absolutely needed. but she does think maybe she should've. stefan's words from that day still ring very loudly for her and make her feel very uncomfortably vulnerable. ]

( he doesn't know if it'll work, honestly. he's been like this for over a century now and the only thing that he's found that sort of works is absolute control and absolute distance from blood.

but even that hasn't completely worked. her way sounds simple enough but he wonders if it'll be enough for him to resist taking those steps that send him down.

he swallows. )

I don't want to lose you. ( that much is true. he's just not sure if he's being realistic about that when there's someone else there. maybe he's not on her mind right now but he's there all the same. )

[ that feels a lot heavier than it should be. katherine knows offering herself up had cornered him to either not say he doesn't think their friendship is strong enough to ground him or... what he ends up saying. it's still startling.

her voice is far quieter than she'd like it to be: ] You were able to stop just a little while ago. [ she hadn't so much as shrugged him off. all she'd done was remind him he could kill her or he could enjoy her, and he chose the latter. that had been stefan's choice, not her dictating it for him. she lets her gaze travel down to his throat. ] I think remembering there's a limit before you start to truly hurt someone might help you. You're not someone who hurts people intentionally, Stef.

But I do it anyway.

( it's self defeating, he knows, and he shakes his head apologetically. it's not something he means to voice even if he does think that. but he doesn't want her to have to prop him up right now. he has something else he wants to tell her. )

I've been talking about it to someone. The blood thing. Not Elena, not anyone from Mystic Falls. She was on the network about addiction issues and I...I don't know, maybe it was stupid but I responded.

( it was probably stupid. )

[ her brows furrow together and she lets out a breath. ] It's not stupid.

[ how can he think it's stupid? while she does wonder how someone who doesn't understand the lure of blood to a vampire could even begin helping, she thinks it's a good idea. it's different. bloodlust is like alcoholism... maybe that untapped human resource is the way stefan can change his repetitive behaviour.

she shifts on the bed, reaching up to grab a pillow to rest beneath her chest. she wants to get comfortable and ensure that he has her full attention. something tells her that him confessing to such a thing is harder than he makes it look.

she props herself up on her elbows to look down at him. ] How did you feel talking to that person?

Uncertain.

( he'd made the decision to not dress up what he was struggling with and trust that kady would be able to handle it or, if she couldn't, that she'd let him leave and keep his secret without exposing him to everyone. )

I don't think she expected me to say what I did but she didn't turn me away either. And asked me questions about it, about the differences between how I get blood and what it makes me feel like either way.

( he shrugs. ) It was a good conversation. She wants me to check in with her every few days.

That's good.

[ katherine can't help her smile. she remembers feeling like this when pearl had managed to score herself the apothecary shop in 1864. proud, happy... a little unsure herself.

considering what she knows of stefan, she suspects that this is a very new thing for him to do. maybe it's what'll breakthrough and let him control his bloodlust... or maybe it'll benefit him in the long run with something else entirely. he seems unsure of it, and she figures that maybe it's her job to not let him think she's uncertain about it when she's curious. ]

Are you going to check-in?

I figure it can't hurt. She has some suggestions on things she wants to try but she had to talk to a few people.

( he hadn't really asked too much because he hadn't wanted to get his hopes up. he knew plenty of witches who hadn't really been able to help in mystic falls so he's trying to temper his expectations. )

I don't really know how it works or what to do. But, it's something I haven't tried yet.

[ she wants to ask what she's going to go and ask other people about, and who those people are... but she has to trust. if katherine doesn't trust his new sponsor, then she's sure it'll have a ripple effect where he starts distrusting his new friend. and katherine doesn't want that. this is the first thing stefan's taken and done for himself. ]

You shouldn't knock it until you've tried it for at least a few months.

[ look at her, acting like she's the paragon of healthy habits and behaviours. but she has a feeling he'll want to give up and bow out the moment he's told he's slipped or it's not working. stefan is so hard on himself to the point where she wonders when he'll let go of the whip he flogs himself with. ]

You should remember it'll work for you. You may just have to change it around to suit Stefan.

I'm going to try it. ( because he doesn't have a lot to lose. if he tries it and it doesn't work, he hasn't lost anything. and if he tries it and it does work, then...well, he'll cross that bridge when it happens. )

I'm just trying not to get my hopes up.

( he's tried so many things to help fix this or ease this or make it go away and nothing's really worked. so, he's hopeful but cautiously so. )

But I'm going to try.

That's all you can do, Stef.

[ pick yourself up and try again. katherine may come off like everything she does is perfect the first go round, but she had to try and try and try to get the things she wanted. she may posture she always gets what she wants, but it's through her trying that she gets it.

stefan could be an unstoppable force if he lets himself do this.

she smiles warmly at him. ] I think Lexi would be very proud.

Let's see what happens before we start congratulating me. It's one thing.

( and it's probably something he should have done awhile ago, if he was honest. maybe not here but he could have probably sought out other methods of controlling this thing before.

he just hadn't.

he sighs and shrugs one shoulder. )

I'll let you know how it goes though. I don't really know how to do this so I'm just kind of playing it by ear.

[ he's such a pessimist. doesn't he see how big of a step that is? if she can, then surely anyone would think it's right to congratulate him on actually doing something. she understands that he's humble and doesn't think anything he does is really worth a commendation, but that's why she's here. ]

Hmm. [ katherine scrunches up her face, pressing her lips into a thin line as she considers his recommendation they don't congratulate him. she shakes her head, ] Nah.

[ she reaches over to poke him in the shoulder so he can stop shrugging this off.

playfully, she declares, ] I'm older than you and therefore wiser, so if I say we should congratulate you on taking a step, then we are. Deal with it.

And what if I don't deal with it? You're older but that doesn't always mean wiser.

( he's not protesting all that seriously but he is trying to keep expectations low about this because he knows who he is and how easy it is for him to sleep.

but, despite that, he does like that she seems to be pleased. he didn't do it for that but it's a nice benefit nonetheless. )

You're trying. That counts for something, Stefan.

[ it's true. with every one of her failures, she picked herself up and tried again until she succeeded. she's a woman who's survived five centuries of drastic culture changes, a skill that she didn't pick up overnight. so, she's older, wiser, and far more experienced in consistently staying positive when all she'd wanted to do in the face of epic failure was be negative and give up.

with a purse of her lips, she shrugs a shoulder, ] If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. You pick yourself back up and try again until you figure it out.

Yeah.

( he sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. he knows she's right and he's trying to keep an open mind. he blows out a breath and then peers down at her. he's quiet for a few moments before reaching down and brushing some of her hair off her forehead. )

I'll let you know how it goes. ( if there was one person he would keep abreast of everything that happened, it was her. ) I promise.

[ although this is very much her new normal, every time stefan reaches out to touch her, she finds herself taken aback. he treats her like she's a friend, and while that's what she wanted, it's still so strange to be considered one of his confidantes with no strings attached.

she smiles, pleased. ] Good.

[ resting her head against the sheets, she regards him with a very warm close-lipped smile. she lets herself enjoy the fact that she's naked with stefan on his bed and he's sharing something very personal with her. ]

I would love to hear about it. [ her smile stretches into something playful to match her tone, ] And I will take great pleasure in telling you I told you so.

Shut up.

( he says it lightly before giving a strange of her hair a little tug. he shakes his head, dropping his hand back to the bed and sighing. his gaze turns up to the ceiling while he breathes, feeling himself relax a little now that he's told someone. )

There's nothing else to tell right now. Just that. That's all I've done so far.

( but he's glad he told her. )

[ he's so cute. that's what she thinks when he tugs on her hair and acts all sheepish over what she's said. he's cute. ]

It's a step. Better than no steps.

[ it doesn't matter if he's done just that. it's a good just that to do. it's one that she hadn't expected of him, but she's glad he did it. it's not a surprise to her that he's capable of doing that; she'd known it all along.

on an exhale: ] Since we're being open and honest about things… [ now it's her turn to appear sheepish. she looks over his shoulder for a moment. ] I've filled up about ten pages of my diary. [ looking up at him, she does her best to play it off. ] I still think it's stupid.

[ she doesn't. she's not entirely converted yet, but it's something to do. ]

Really?

( he hadn't really asked about the diary since he'd given her to her. he'd just assumed that she'd put it somewhere and hadn't done anything with it but here she was, telling him that she'd actually been using it a lot.

he's surprised. )

Written anything interesting?

[ she's glad he's surprised. it means that he had expected her not to use it, just like she expected she wouldn't use it. she's surprised even herself that she wrote the first entry and has been sporadically keeping up with it. ]

My shopping list. Which I forgot to take with me when I did my shopping because who writes that in their diary?

[ and a few entries about one stefan salvatore, most of them now borderline erotic. he doesn't need to know that. ]

Well, I'm glad you're using it even if a shopping list isn't exactly what a journal's supposed to be for.

( but she's using it and that's something especially for katherine pierce. )

I usually keep those in my phone. Is that all you've written in there?

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